How To Stay Single Forever
By Ryan O’Connell
Have issues. Like a lot of them. They’re the kind of issues you’re aware of but don’t know how to fix. They just sit there, ruining your life and preventing it from moving forward. You want to scream “Stop! Get out of my life, Issues!” but they aren’t having any of it. The Issues have taken residency in your body and aren’t leaving until a therapist or Lithium forces them out.
Admit to yourself that your love life has been kind of a wash. You can say it. It’s true. You can’t say you’re surprised. In fact, you always feared this would happen. You knew everything else would come easy to you. A job and lots of friends were a given for your personality. But love. Hmm, that’s trickier. That’s where your issues lie, that’s where you switch from being normal to a homegirl with some emotional probs.
Your issues act as bodyguards for your heart. They circle it day and night keeping a close watch for any potential suitors. If they see someone getting closer, they start chasing it away. So far, they’ve seem to done quite a good job. People have been chased away and you’ve remained a solo star. Maybe your issues will even get a bonus this year for all their hard work.
You’re fucked. There are many ways for you to get un-fucked but you’re not sure if you’ll be able to do any of them. You see, you complain about…
