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How To Never Grow Up
By Ryan O’Connell
Be too old to be this stupid. Treat time like it’s nothing. Just a little toy for you to play with. Waste entire days sitting on lounge chairs with people who won’t ever mean a thing to you and feel the sun start to melt your brain. Melt, melt, melt faster, you idiot. This is fun. This is destroying yourself. The more bruises the better, right? If it didn’t hurt, it didn’t happen.
Treat love like it’s chewing gum. Spit it out, twirl it around your finger and stick it under the table. There’ll be more where that came from, I’m sure. I will never run out of love. It will always be there for me, ready for consumption, when I’m ready for it.
Find yourself on a subway platform waiting for somebody to notice you. You used to be the belle of the ball. Now you’re unfuckable. What happened? You became the worst version of yourself way before you thought you would. If only you weren’t so careless, if only you blew out the candle before leaving to go out, if only you learned how to properly do your taxes and go to the gym and buy produce at the farmers market. Maybe then people would still notice you. Maybe then you wouldn’t feel so left behind.
Curate your life perfectly on the Internet. Post a picture of yourself unscrewing a bottle of champagne in some nice apartment. Your hair looks nice. Your shoes are cute. You’re…
