How To Be Single
By Ryan O’Connell
When people ask you how things are going you tell them “Fine. Everything’s fine.” Because it is. You’ve settled into a nice career, you love your roommate, and you’ve been eating well. Those five pounds you gained in the winter are gone and now you just stare at your flat stomach in the mirror, hoping it will unleash some secret about being happy. Grab the fat and revel in how little there is. Stare at it for a long time until you feel like you have rolls again. Go to bed.
Watch everyone around you get into relationships that make sense. These people aren’t disposable idiots you’ll laugh about over brunch the next day. They’re sweet, attractive, and responsible. Simply put, they’re marriage material. You can’t say anything bad about them even if you wanted to. (You don’t want to, do you?) Feel a warm sense of relief that your friends are no longer dating losers and then feel an immediate surge of panic. This is Serious. These are Serious Relationships. These are the weddings you’ll attend at 29 or 30-years-old and give toasts to. These are the people who will take your friends away from you. Like most things, it’s bittersweet. You try not to think too much about it and just smile. Smile wider. Smile tighter. Smile till your face breaks in half then pick up the pieces and apologize for making such a mess.
