10 Things You Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You’re Actually Insatiably Lonely

Thought Catalog
4 min readJan 31, 2020
Ivy Son

Our minds are tricky beasts. We are quick to hide how we’re really feeling — and often, our motivations are mysteries even to ourselves. In a society that values independence, autonomy and self-interest far above connection, too many of our actions are motivated by a deep, underlying sense of loneliness. Here are ten things you may be doing because you’re subconsciously lonely as hell.

1. Idealizing past relationships.

We fall into the trap of rehashing expired relationships if and when we don’t have love in our present lives to take the place of what we’ve left behind. Chances are, if you find yourself obsessing over what’s passed, it’s because you’re feeling pretty underwhelmed with what is.

2. Failing to make an effort to meet new people.

A little known fact about loneliness is that it begets more loneliness. The more used to our own company we become, the less we seek out the company of others. It usually feels good for a while, until one day it suddenly doesn’t. But by that point, we’ve often been alone for so long that we’ve forgotten company is something we crave at all.

3. Feigning disgust towards relationships.

People who are genuinely indifferent towards intimate relationships don’t need to mock them or put them down — they simply allow them to happen or not happen naturally.

Chances are, if you feel the need to look down on people who want or have love, you’re secretly dying to have it yourself. Otherwise, you’d feel no need to invalidate it.

4. Developing an obsession with self-improvement.

There’s nothing wrong or unhealthy about bettering oneself. But when an inclination to make positive changes bleeds into an obsessive focus on it, and eclipses the desire to make connections, there is almost always something deeper behind it.

We turn to perfectionism when we feel as though we are not enough as we are. And we feel as though we are not enough as we are when we are most disconnected from others.

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